The Unholy Alliance of People-Pleasing, ADHD, and RSD. "Yes, Of Course I Can Do That!" — Said the Overwhelmed ADHD Brain on Fire.

If you’ve ever agreed to bake cupcakes for the school fundraiser, cover your coworker’s shift, AND help your friend move all in the same weekend—while running on 3 hours of sleep and one rogue granola bar—you might be a people-pleaser with ADHD.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Many of us with ADHD have this superpower-slash-self-sabotage combo of being overly nice, overly committed, and chronically exhausted. Let’s talk about why we do this to ourselves—and how we can stop (or at least pause before agreeing to organize a baby shower for someone we met once at Trader Joe’s).

ADHD + RSD = Certified People-Pleaser

Let’s start with the usual suspect: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)—aka that voice in your head that screams “They hate you!” every time someone says “Actually, I have a different opinion.”

RSD makes us terrified of rejection or disapproval. So what do we do? We shape-shift into whoever we think people want us to be. We say yes, nod enthusiastically, and basically perform a one-person improv show called Please Like Me.

Now, toss in some classic ADHD impulsivity. Before we’ve even thought about whether we can take something on, the word “Yes!” has flown out of our mouths like a startled pigeon. Later, when reality sets in and we realize we’ve overcommitted again—cue the shame spiral, and of course, more cupcakes.

Why the ADHD Brain Is a People-Pleasing Pro

Here’s a deeper dive into the psychology behind this behavior:

• You’re really tuned into other people’s emotions. ADHDers tend to be highly empathetic, which is beautiful… until it turns into chronic over-functioning and anticipatory guilt.

• You fear rejection. (Hi, RSD!) So saying “no” feels like gambling with your social survival.

• It’s a protective strategy. Growing up with ADHD often means struggling with social cues or impulsivity—and that can lead to a history of rejection or feeling “too much.” So now, people-pleasing feels like armor: if you can just keep everyone happy, maybe you won’t get left out again.

• Impulsivity strikes again. You agree before you’ve even checked your schedule (or remembered you already committed to four other things).

• Then comes guilt. You’re not even sure what you did wrong yet, but you’re already pre-apologizing in case someone might be disappointed.

The Burnout Is Real

Let’s not forget that ADHD makes time management and organization tough. So when you say yes to everything, you’re not just busy—you’re drowning in a sea of color-coded calendars, to-do list cemetery, missed deadlines, and cold coffee. Burnout isn’t a possibility. It’s practically your lifestyle.

Signs You Might Be People-Pleasing (Expert Mode)

• You say “yes” even when your soul says “nope.”

• You avoid conflict like it’s a zombie apocalypse.

• You feel personally responsible for everyone's happiness.

You’re so burnt out, you’re basically a human candle stub.

So… What Do We Do About It?

Here’s the good news: You can unlearn people-pleasing. Here’s how to start:

1. Practice the PauseBuy yourself 10 seconds (or an hour!) before committing. Try, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

2. Notice Your RSD TriggersAre you saying “yes” because you want to—or because you’re afraid of being disliked?

3. Check In With Your CapacityADHD makes it easy to underestimate how full your plate is. Ask yourself, “Do I really have time and energy for this?”

4. Tolerate DiscomfortSaying no might feel terrible at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong—it means you’re growing.

5. Talk Back to the GuiltGuilt isn’t proof you’ve done something wrong. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you are guilty. It’s just an old habit that thinks you need to earn love.

   
   

You’re Allowed to Take Up Space

People-pleasing is often a survival strategy—especially for neurodivergent brains trying to navigate a neurotypical world. But you deserve relationships where you don’t have to bend over backward to feel worthy.

Working with a therapist who gets ADHD can be a game-changer. They can help you connect the dots between RSD and your people-pleasing reflex, and support you in building strategies that actually work for your brain. Think less burnout, more boundaries—and relationships that don’t require you to perform emotional gymnastics.

You can be kind without abandoning yourself. You can say “no” and still be loved. And yes, the cupcakes will survive without you.