Love in the Time of Distractibility

If you’ve ever been mid-sentence and realized your partner’s eyes have drifted off toward a squirrel outside… or if you’ve had to fish the laundry out of the washer for the third time this week… you may be loving someone with ADHD.

And while it can be funny in the moment (eventually), the reality is that ADHD can have a very real, daily impact on relationships. ADHD doesn’t necessarily create brand-new problems, but it can magnify the typical challenges most couples face. The good news? With insight, tools, and a little humor, ADHD can also bring connection, creativity, and resilience to the table.

ADHD Is Not a Lack of Love (Even if It Sometimes Feels That Way)

Let’s start here: ADHD is a neurobiological condition, not a personality flaw. It affects focus, organization, emotional regulation, and impulse control. That means “forgetting our anniversary” might not be about not caring—it could be about distractibility, working memory challenges, or difficulty managing time.

When you can see ADHD as the challenge you tackle together—instead of as your partner being careless—you open the door to more effective problem-solving as a team.

How ADHD Can Show Up Between Two People

1. Uneven Division of Responsibilities

When one partner struggles with organization or follow-through, the other often takes on more. Over time, this can turn into a maladaptive pattern where the non-ADHD partner over-functions and the ADHD partner under-functions. Eventually, it can feel less like a partnership and more like a parent/child dynamic—hello, resentment.

Pro tip: Divide tasks by strengths, not rigid “fairness.” The person who can’t remember to pay bills might be a champ at grocery shopping. The non-ADHD partner can explore where they can step back, while the ADHD partner identifies where they can step forward.

2. Communication Breakdowns

Inattention can look like not listening. Impulsivity can sound like blurting out something hurtful in the heat of conflict. Both can leave the other person feeling dismissed, hurt, or unimportant.

Pro tip: Swap “You never listen” for “I feel unheard when we don’t finish our conversations.” Specific, kind language will take you much further than blame.

3. Emotional Tension

ADHD can crank up the intensity on emotional reactions. A comment like “You forgot again” can spark defensiveness, shame, or anger that feels disproportionate to the situation.

Pro tip: Leave absolutes out of your communication. For example, “You always forget to put your dishes in the sink” can trigger an all-too-familiar shame spiral, leaving the ADHD partner defensive. Instead, try: “I’ve noticed it’s challenging to remember to put the dishes in the sink. Let’s brainstorm a solution together.” And when things start to heat up, hit pause. Say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed—let’s revisit this in 10 minutes” instead of pushing through in the moment.

4. Hyperfocus & Neglect

ADHD brains can lock into a hobby, project, or work with laser precision—sometimes at the expense of the relationship.

Pro tip: If you’re the ADHD partner, set reminders to switch gears and connect. If you’re the non-ADHD partner, remember: it’s not about you—it’s about dopamine. Communicate your need for connection using positive, inviting language. Instead of “You’re ignoring me again to play video games,” try: “I miss you. Can we set aside some time tonight just for us?”

Teamwork Makes the Relationship Work

ADHD relationships thrive when both partners embrace structure and clarity—without losing the fun:

• Shared tools: Calendars, alarms, sticky notes—yes, even the ones covering the fridge.

• Direct communication: Kind, specific “I” statements. Try: “I feel (insert emotion) when (describe the situation using facts, not judgments).”

• Managing emotions together: Take time-outs to cool off, and always set a clear time to come back together to reconnect and repair.

• Focusing on strengths: Creativity, humor, problem-solving, and energy are ADHD superpowers.

And when challenges feel bigger than what you can manage alone, couples therapy, ADHD coaching, and—when appropriate—medication can help you build a stronger foundation.

The Heart of It

ADHD in relationships isn’t about “trying harder” or “just paying attention.” It’s about understanding each other’s brains, making small changes that add up, and remembering why you chose each other in the first place.

So, the next time your partner forgets the laundry again, take a deep breath and remind yourself—you’re both learning to love in a way that works for your relationship.

Want more ADHD-friendly relationship tips, insights, and encouragement? Subscribe to my blog so you never miss a post—or, if you’re in California and looking for ADHD-informed therapy, let’s connect for a session. Together, we can help you (and your relationships) thrive.